When Ariana Diaz鈥檚 top college pick notified her she had been accepted into the class of 2026, she quickly imagined having to explain to her New York University classmates what corner of smalltown Texas she came from.
But that was before her former Uvalde High School classmate shot and killed 19 children and two adults inside Robb Elementary School. Before her tiny town of 16,000 was thrust into the national spotlight for months and was forced to endure what she calls 鈥渢he worst few months ever.鈥�
High school graduation was postponed. Media swarmed the town.
鈥淭he traffic was so bad. We never have traffic issues here,鈥� recalled Diaz, 18, as she prepared to leave for Manhattan鈥檚 West Village.
Overnight, the last summer she was meant to spend with friends before leaving town to start a new chapter elsewhere was shrouded with feelings of grief and helplessness.
鈥淚 didn鈥檛 know what to do. It was a crazy feeling, going around and asking if they needed volunteers anywhere,鈥� she said.
Three months later, as Diaz prepares to move into her NYU dorm room this weekend, she鈥檚 now bracing herself for how the tragedy in her town will follow her throughout the fall.
Her best friend, Jaime Cruz, 18, who started his freshman year at the University of Houston this week, says he dreads others鈥� reactions, that people will always link him with the shooting.
鈥淲hen I say I鈥檓 from Uvalde, they鈥檙e gonna know exactly where that is, know exactly what happened and, like, instantly associate one and one together,鈥� he said.
Students leaving home for college often experience a flood of emotions: apprehension, excitement and anxiety. But for college-bound students from Uvalde, like Diaz and Cruz, there鈥檚 the weight of this summer when they experienced both searing grief and fear, but also excitement and relief.
There鈥檚 the guilt they feel about how they won鈥檛 be there for younger siblings who are afraid of returning to school this fall. There鈥檚 the fear of how emotions could bubble up in a new environment without friends and family beside them who understand what they鈥檙e going through. There鈥檚 also the apprehension about how people might react upon hearing they鈥檙e from Uvalde. But there鈥檚 also excitement for a new experience and relief that every time they turn a corner they don鈥檛 see a reminder of the shooting.
鈥淚t鈥檚 just going to be a little bit more room to breathe in a way,鈥� Cruz said. 鈥淏ut at the same time, I don鈥檛 think we鈥檙e ever gonna forget. No matter where we are, what time zone, what city we鈥檙e in, I don鈥檛 think we鈥檙e ever just going to forget the 21 people.鈥�
Struggles to leave Uvalde
Right after the May 24 shooting, Diaz said she didn鈥檛 want to leave her family or her town. Cruz said all the conversations ceased among their friends about their new schools, their dorm rooms and meeting new people.
鈥淎ll of us felt that iffyness,鈥� Cruz said. 鈥淚s it OK to even be excited to move somewhere at the same time that your community is going through something?鈥�
In Uvalde, leaving town after high school graduation is not that common. A little more than half of Uvalde public school graduates each year directly enroll in a two- or four-year college after high school, with a majority attending the local community college or the University of Texas at San Antonio.
In 2021, just 17% directly enrolled in a four-year university, according to data from the Texas Higher Education Coordinating Board.
Diaz said her high school doesn鈥檛 aggressively push students to apply for college, but she has lots of family who left Texas for college and she has dreamed of living in New York since she was a child. Plus, she wanted to be a role model for future students.
鈥淸For] the kids that are going to be seniors after me: It is possible to leave and go to the city you鈥檝e always wanted to live in and go to college,鈥� she said.
In Uvalde, it is impossible not to know someone impacted by the tragedy. Diaz鈥� father, Eulalio Diaz, Jr., is one of Uvalde County鈥檚 justices of the peace, a government official whose job requires him to identify the dead in this town 80 miles west of San Antonio. It was her father who was called to identify the 21 killed last May.
鈥淚 can鈥檛 even imagine what he had to see in there,鈥� Diaz said. 鈥淏ut I鈥檓 just very proud of him.鈥�
Diaz said she remembers on the day of the shooting there were rumors flying around town that other schools were also being targeted. As her mother went to pick up her brother from the junior high school, he heard an untrue rumor that a shooter was at his school and begged his mom not to come and possibly put herself in danger.
鈥淗e was so worried and so scared,鈥� Diaz said, choking back tears. 鈥淚 feel so bad that all of these kids are so scared to go back to school. I鈥檓 scared. I don鈥檛 like the idea of leaving my family to go out of state so far right after this 鈥� I do know I鈥檓 just a call away and just a flight away. But it鈥檚 still difficult having to come to terms with the fact that you鈥檙e not going to be here, present for your family.鈥�
Diaz finds herself still processing that she actually knew the shooter and had a class with him her sophomore year before he dropped out of school, one detail she鈥檚 not sure she鈥檚 ready to tell people who inevitably ask about the experience throughout her first year of college.
鈥淚t almost makes me nauseous,鈥� she said.
Still, there are signs that she鈥檒l have a support system when she arrives in New York. Her future roommate has already reached out and said she was open to being a listening ear if Diaz needed to talk. While she occasionally gets pangs of guilt that she has the opportunity to even leave Uvalde, Diaz is trying to focus on the future. 鈥淚 am ready to get my education and see what鈥檚 next for me.鈥� she said.
Worries about what the future holds
Cruz isn鈥檛 going as far away as Diaz for college, but Houston still feels like a different world from Uvalde. He is the first in his family to attend college. Even before the tragedy, he faced pushback from his parents who wanted him to attend school closer to home.
鈥淚t was more frightening, I guess, sending a child off to a city he鈥檚 never been to,鈥� he said.
When the shooting occurred miles away from their homes, followed by shootings in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and Highland Park, Illinois, it cemented his parents鈥� fear.
Cruz said he saw the worry in his mom鈥檚 face. But he said he has the same fears about his family staying in their small town. His mother works in the school system, and his younger brother will return this year. Cruz said his younger brother has especially struggled with returning to school, asking if he can stay home or do virtual school instead.
All of it makes Cruz feel guilty for leaving his town at this moment. That apprehension was slightly exacerbated when he visited UH for summer orientation two weeks after the shooting.
When he and his parents arrived at orientation, he told a woman at the check-in desk his name. As she started reading out his nametag, she stopped halfway through when she came to his hometown鈥檚 name.
鈥淵ou heard like the stutter in her voice when she didn鈥檛 finish reading,鈥� he said. 鈥淎ll throughout orientation, like having to meet people [who ask], 鈥榳here are you from?鈥� I was like, 鈥極h, Uvalde.鈥� The blank stare you would get in everyone鈥檚 face. Or like instant apologies.鈥�
He said people he didn鈥檛 know came up to him throughout orientation to offer support and resources if he needed help during the semester. While he appreciated the gesture, he knows it will take time to find people who he鈥檒l trust and feel comfortable sharing when he might be struggling.
鈥淚鈥檓 very frightened of like, OK, what if one day it gets to me and I need to cope, I need to talk to somebody? I know that first couple weeks, I don鈥檛 know if I might have someone to talk to,鈥� Cruz said. 鈥淭hat part鈥檚 the scary part.鈥�
Healing in a new space
Diaz and Cruz aren鈥檛 the first students to enter college processing the trauma from a mass shooting.
Jai Gillard always knew she wanted to leave Texas for college, but by the time she started applying to schools in 2020, she was adamant she wanted to leave for a fresh start.
One reason was she thought students in Texas would be more familiar with Santa Fe High School, where she survived the 2018 shooting during her freshman year that killed 10 people and wounded 13 others. Gillard survived the shooting by hiding in a storage closet in the art room next door to the one where the shooter first entered. A student who ended up hiding with her ultimately died from injuries.
鈥淚 feel like most people would know my story,鈥� she told The Texas Tribune. 鈥淚t鈥檚 not that I don鈥檛 want people to know my story. But I didn鈥檛 [want to] go in being labeled as that. 鈥� Going out of state, it鈥檚 鈥� like reinventing yourself and not being defined by something.鈥�
Gillard attends Harvard University, where she is about to enter her sophomore year. When she arrived last fall, it had been three years since the attack and she said few people automatically made the connection when she shared her high school, which made it easier.
She empathizes with the students from Uvalde who might have a harder time being anonymous, given that it鈥檚 only been three months since their town made international news.
鈥淕oing in, they could be closed off or maybe not want to talk to anybody because of the fear that people may define them as what they鈥檝e been through and what their community experiences,鈥� Gillard said. For them, she had some advice.
鈥淎s individuals, we have the power to create the narrative that we want,鈥� she said. 鈥淏ut also set boundaries and have conversations with people that you need to have conversations with so that you can get the help that you need and make sure that you feel comfortable and safe at the school that they attend. I think that鈥檚 very important for them.鈥�
Gillard said when she first arrived at Harvard, it was difficult at times for others to understand why she might act a certain way due to the trauma she was still processing. In class, she would always take a seat in the back of the room because that鈥檚 where she was in her art room when the shooting began and she credits her location with helping her survive. When a similar incident happens 鈥� like the school shooting at Oxford High School in Michigan during her first semester in college 鈥� she avoids watching the news.
She also was hesitant to share her story with others because she was afraid people would assume that鈥檚 why she got accepted to such a prestigious school.
鈥淚 knew that I still had work to do,鈥� she said. 鈥淎nd I still had to do what was best for me. So I had to advocate for myself, even when people didn鈥檛 understand.鈥�
But grief and healing do not happen in a straight line. Her return home from college this year was especially tough. It coincided with the mass shooting in Buffalo, New York, where 10 people were killed and three others were injured. Then, the fourth anniversary of the shooting at her high school. And then the shooting in Uvalde. She said she now just associates May with these kinds of events, something she鈥檒l have to prepare herself for each year as she continues to heal.
But she credits college for helping her process that trauma.
鈥淥nce you go to a new place, it doesn鈥檛 really have 鈥� if you want to use teen slang 鈥� that vibe,鈥� she said. 鈥淸Y]ou鈥檙e surrounded by something other than maybe a school or things that remind you of what you lost or what you鈥檝e been through that really traumatized you. The healing process 鈥� it was sped up exponentially because I moved away.鈥�
Turning trauma into advocacy
Ultimately, both Diaz and Cruz are trying to see their ability to leave their small town for college as an opportunity to be advocates for those still there, for the families who lost loved ones and those who died three months ago this week. They both want to advocate for stricter gun control measures that they believe are necessary to prevent other towns from experiencing the same horrific event.
They both marched for gun control in Uvalde weeks after the shooting. Diaz said she was overwhelmed by the large turnout, given that she had attended a Black Lives Matter protest in her town in 2020 that was sparsely attended.
Gillard, who wants to major in psychology, has also started to speak publicly about mental health awareness, something she became intimately involved in as a way to process her trauma and find meaning in her survival. She鈥檒l give a talk this upcoming semester at Harvard鈥檚 Institute of Politics about her experience during and after the shooting.
As Diaz spends a few days in New York before moving into her dorm, she hopes the simple act of leaving can inspire those back home, too.
鈥淚t shows them that we鈥檙e still moving forward. And that even though this happened, we鈥檙e still struggling, we鈥檙e still working through these things,鈥� Diaz said. 鈥淲e can still do the things that are important to us and try to make the difference in those spaces.鈥�
Cruz said it took him a few months to realize he could be doing similar things in Houston and potentially have an even bigger impact, which made leaving his family a little easier to process.
鈥淚t helps,鈥� he said. 鈥淣ot the guiltiness, but more like it makes the moving feel a little better.鈥�
Cruz moved into his dorm in Houston last weekend with the help of his parents and two brothers.
It rained that day, which Cruz said he knows is normal in the Bayou City. But he also took it as a sign.
鈥淚 like to think that the rain was symbolizing a new beginning.鈥�
